God gave me a vision when I was eight years old (March/April 1996) where I saw a plane leaving the United States and landing in Southeast Asia. I then briefly saw the scenario of a poor Hmong village with the Hmong folks living in poverty. Although I was not completely sure I would take up the calling at the time, I had always had a feeling that this was what the Lord was calling me to do--be a missionary to my own people, the Hmong, of Southeast Asia.
In the summer of 2008, I was granted the privilege of doing my internship in Thailand in the province of Chiang Rai. After staying for a month, I returned to the States and prayed everyday that if it was God's will, I would return and work full-time as a missionary. After receiving my B.A. in Bible and Religion (with a concentration in cross-cultural studies) from Montreat College in 2009, I left again for Thailand in late July 2009 to engage in a missionary apprenticeship planned and provided by God Himself!
After 9 months, I returned to the States to meet with my church mission board (Trinity Christian Headquarter's mission department) and toured the 12 Trinity Christian Churches across the States--a rich experience indeed in encouraging and being encouraged by the family of God! As of July 2010, I am back in Thailand for the third time,preparing for long-term mission work.
My Testimony
I grew up in a family that had a lot of problems. As a young child, I underwent intensive physical and verbal abuse from my parents. The verbal abuse was the worst. Almost every day, my mother would constantly call her children names, insulting us and telling us that we wasted her food, time, and money. “I would be better off if you were never born,” she constantly complained. I also remember her saying that we were lazy good-for-nothings that would not be able to amount to anything. My father, on the other hand, was hardly ever home. Whenever he was, he would only lecture us or give us a beating whenever we didn’t do something right. Usually, he would use a fly swatter (preferring the metal handle), a broom stick, or whatever he could get his hands on. Once, he rammed two my sisters’ heads together when they weren’t getting along. I remember receiving my first beating when I was five. I had wanted to tag along with my parents to the store but there was not enough room in the car at that time to accommodate both my little sister and me. Therefore, I was forced to stay and was so upset about it that I threw a tantrum. My father threatened to beat me if I did not stop my crying. I didn’t stop, so he beat me with the wooden handle of the broom quite badly, leaving me with a bruised heart. I never looked at him the same way again.
Apart from that, my siblings and I were also not getting along very well, always fighting and arguing partly due to being neglected since there were so many of us (seven children total = one brother who is the oldest, and 6 girls—I am number six out of seven). Looking back, I believe that my sisters and I did not feel wanted in the family either since we were all failed attempts to give my father another son. It was a very dark situation. However, I tried to make the best out of the situation. I thought to myself that if my parents wanted their children to be more hard-working in taking care of the house chores, I would do so; and if I was wasting their food, I would skip meals. I was determined to please them. However, after scrubbing the bathroom floors, vacuuming, sweeping, and cleaning up my room and where I could, I was hoping to get their attention and praise. I don’t remember receiving any. I was also beaten as a result for skipping meals.
Finally, at the age of eight, after doing all that I felt I could, I was at my wit’s end. I felt unwanted, unloved, and I could not measure up to the standards that my parents had set for me (sounds crazy, right? It’s all true, I promise). I also picked many fights with my siblings and felt left out in many of their activities. I cried myself to sleep every night, drenching my pillow with tears and asking any higher power why I was placed in such a family. I managed to find relief when I fantasized about being a Sailor Soldier from the popular TV series, Sailor Moon. It was my desire to be a beautiful princess warrior that fought the forces of darkness and injustice. What’s more, I convinced myself that my real father was a great and powerful king that loved me and was constantly searching for me since I must have been placed in the wrong family somehow.
Also, during these nights, I was constantly hearing voices. The most prominent voice I remember hearing filled my head with thoughts of revenge and encouraged me to commit suicide as the ultimate act of getting back at my parents. I distinctly remember seeing a vision where I was taken to a very high mountain or cliff where I could see the whole world before me. This voice said that if I would commit suicide, I would not only have a better afterlife, but that this whole earth would be mine (note: I had not read this story in the Bible before nor do I remember anyone telling me about it). The thought of having power and control enticed me as I conjured up a plan for vengeance.
After waiting a few days, the setting was perfect—everyone had gone to the store, leaving only one other sibling in the home who stayed in her room. I sneaked into the kitchen, grabbed the chef knife, and pointed its shiny end straight at my stomach. I hesitated when I thought about how painful it would be. In fact, I had attempted this two or three times before actually going through with it. Yet, when I remembered all the things that were said to me (about how lonely and hurt I felt, and about how if my parents did not love me nor accept me, then no one else would and I would not have a place in this world), it gave me motivation to keep going. I took a deep breath and got ready for the big plunge. I tightened my grip, shut my eyes tight, and lifted the knife up high. Then, I let go. Just then, I heard a voice that screamed, “STOP!” It startled me so much that I stopped what I was doing and turned around to see if anyone was behind me watching the incident. No, no one was there. Strange, I thought. I started having thoughts that maybe I didn’t have to do this, that there might actually be hope in this situation. But when I pictured my parents’ faces when they would see me dead in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor, I convinced myself that it would be worth the effort. I started again.
My eyes where shut, the knife was held high, and then I let go. Stop! I heard the voice say again. I immediately stopped and, though I knew this voice was heard in my heart, I turned around anyway just to make sure. Finding that no one was still there, I looked up at a corner in the ceiling and started arguing with this voice. Look, I don’t if you’re God or who you are, I started, but I just want to get this over with already! Why won’t you let me?! Don’t you see how much pain I’m going through? No one loves me. I have no purpose in life. Then I heard His voice: Mydur, my child, He said. I have a plan for you; plans to give you hope and a future…and when you’re older, I am going to use you to do My work. Just then, I saw a vision of an airplane flying from the United States and landing in Southeast Asia (I wasn’t sure where exactly). And then I saw a poor Hmong village with half-naked kids running around while an older woman in tattered Hmong clothing sitting in front of her poorly constructed home made of sticks and leaves.
I guess you can say that I was absolutely shocked. I wasn’t exactly sure what the vision meant, but I had a feeling. And the voice was so beautiful. Something in my soul told me that this was real and that I’d be wise to follow it. Right as I turned to put the knife away, I said, But wait! My parents still don’t love me. If they don’t, who will? Again, He softly replied, I love you. Even if your parents abandon you, I will care for you (Psalm 27:10). Trust in me. Put the knife away. I thought to myself, How does this voice know me so well? How does He know exactly what I’m going through? I put the knife back and walked outside to the back porch where I knelt down before God and cried out to Him from the very depths of my soul. There was so much I did not understand; so much more to ask Him. I started with questions about my family and worked my way from there.
Every day, after school, I would come back to my spot on the porch and commune with God. I would ask Him about who He was, about creation, about life in general, and I would hear His answer (all of which are in His Word as I have discovered while reading it). I learned how to pray, always talking to God about anything and everything. He took me through a lot of healing and gave me the hope I needed every day to keep going. I knew that He knew exactly what I was going through. On rainy days, I told myself that it was God crying with me.
My life changed drastically after that. Before, I could care less about school and how I treated others. But my attitude changed. In second grade, I started excelling in my work and, though I kept making many mistakes, I strived to treat my siblings better through convictions that He placed on my heart. Since then, I had a desire to know Him more. My first experience with church was Vacation Bible School at a Baptist church when I was eleven. A friend had invited me to go. I got to know her and her family and saw that the way they lived was very different from my own—filled with love, joy, and forgiveness. I eagerly desired the same thing for my family. Therefore, I asked God every night for one and a half years to lead them to church. He answered my prayers on January 1, 2000. My brother, Kong, started behaving in a dangerous manner that led my parents to lose hope in shamanistic rituals and come to church as a last resort. We later found out that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia paranoia. After six months of being actively involved in the church, my parents came to know the Lord in a personal way and have vowed to never retreat from the Christian faith. I can only praise God for His mercy and goodness on us all. My parents have asked for forgiveness from us as their children and, though they are still make mistakes every once in a while, they are continually being perfected in Christ just as Christ Himself is perfect.
It was through the community of believers that I grew in my walk with Christ and came to know on a much deeper level what it meant to be God’s child. I learned about salvation through the redemptive blood of Jesus Christ and the victory we all have through His death and resurrection. Through Christ, I have also received inner healing from my past sins and from all that has happened in my childhood growing up. I continue to grow in knowing more about myself, my family, and my God (my One and only). Gradually, I am finding that God’s ways, ALL His ways, are superior from my own. And every day, from now until the rest of my life—I only want to please Him with a life of reverent obedience. I simply want my life and everything I do to point to Christ and give God the praise and glory that He alone is worthy of. Furthermore, I found out that God was my real Father all along--my heavenly Father that I had often dreamed of; that which my soul had often longed for as a child. And He is a king indeed--the King of kings, and the Lord of lords (Rev. 19:16)...and that makes me a real princess after all. And not just any princess, but a princess warrior. After all, this life is a battle against "the forces of evil in the heavenly realms," isn't it (Eph. 6:12)?
What about you? Have you experienced a deep and personal relationship with God the Father through His Son, Jesus Christ? I hope you come to know and experience daily this love that surpasses all understanding, giving you hope for the future and purpose for each and every single day.
What about you? Have you experienced a deep and personal relationship with God the Father through His Son, Jesus Christ? I hope you come to know and experience daily this love that surpasses all understanding, giving you hope for the future and purpose for each and every single day.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." -Psalm 34:18
"For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son; that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." -John 3:16
